I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
