david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
