See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
