I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
