he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
