3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i don't like sucking hair
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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