I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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