and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
