Are we in a gay sports bar?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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