just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
