hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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