you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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