Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
the liver wants what the liver wants
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
