just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
how drunk are you?
Several
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
