if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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