The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
