I cannot find my penis.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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