Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
