I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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