I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
