i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
