Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
