Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
