Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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