Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
