Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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