I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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