smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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