absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
