I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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