May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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