Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
