The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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