I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
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