i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
