I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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