Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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