a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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