the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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