Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
