She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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