It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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