He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
