He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
