I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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