No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
