You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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