i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
