"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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