after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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