just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
