On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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